The Slap Bet
by Kata Malfoy
Summary: Sebastian loses a HIMYM-style slap bet to Kurt. Kurt now has 5 slaps to dole out whenever he likes; or, 5 times Kurt slapped Sebastian, plus two times he almost did .


**Summary: Sebastian loses a HIMYM-style slap bet to Kurt. Kurt now has 5 slaps to dole out whenever he likes.**

(Or: 5 times Kurt slapped Sebastian, plus two times he almost did)

(&)

**The Bet**

'I could get the number of any guy in this place, easy.'

'No. You couldn't. Although you'd probably find a fist in your face easily enough.'

'Just because you have all the sexual appeal of car keys-'

'It's got nothing to do with sex appeal - all these guys are straight. Most of them are having coffee with their girlfriends, Sebastian.'

'Minor detail.'

'Yes, heterosexuality, what a pesky detail that must be to a sexual deviant like yourself.'

'I'm just saying, I could get their numbers. For when their girlfriends go home.'

'You could not. Stop being ridiculous.'

'What would you know about it, have you ever actually gotten a boy's phone number? Or did you and Blaine just emerge from the womb already joined at the hip?'

'Guys!' interrupts Blaine, waving a hand between the two of them. Kurt glances at him, finally breaking eye contact with Sebastian. The look of bewilderment of Blaine's face makes Kurt realise his and Sebastian's verbal sparring had maybe been getting out of hand. He gives Blaine a little apologetic smile.

'Sorry,' he says.

'Well, I'm not,' grumbles Sebastian, slouching back in his chair. 'All I'm saying, Hummel, is that you don't know the first thing about flirting.'

'If any of the men in this shop were actually gay, I could easily get their phone number.' Kurt isn't entirely sure that's true, but he refuses to back down and it's an easy statement to make when there is nobody around to test it on.

'But you wouldn't, right? Get a man's phone number?' asks Blaine, frowning.

'Of course not,' dismisses Kurt, reaching over to squeeze Blaine's hand. Sebastian rolls his eyes at the pair of them.

'Blaine, your insecurity is depressing me. Kurt and I are talking hypotheticals. Although… since that guy who just walked through the door is as gay as flamingo, maybe not.'

Kurt glances over his shoulder, still holding Blaine hand, and feels his eyes widen in surprise. The guy is standing in line for coffee, staring at his phone, oblivious to all the other patrons of the Lima Bean. Kurt stares for a moment, starts smiling, and then swallows it. He turns back to look at Sebastian.

'Want to make a bet on that?' he says as casually as possible.

'On what exactly?' replies Sebastian, but his eyes are excited. Blaine is looking between them uneasily.

'That I can get that boy's number before you can. I'll even let you have first crack at him,' explains Kurt, a challenging smile appearing on his face. Sebastian actually laughs, tilting his head back. He shakes his head.

'Princess, that's too easy. I don't want to see you cry when you lose.'

'Bring it on, Smythe,' says Kurt sharply, 'or are you just scared of the humiliation when I beat you. Again.'

'Kurt,' insists Blaine, tugging on Kurt's hand. 'Come on, Kurt, this is silly.'

Sebastian ignores the interruption, surveying Kurt with curiosity. He seems to be thinking. Then an unhurried smile grows on his face.

'Okay. But I want to make this a slap bet.'

'You want to make it a what?' says Kurt, voice bordering on exasperated. Sebastian's wearing that infuriating, superior smile again.

'Slap bet,' repeats Sebastian slowly, as though Kurt is stupid. 'Whoever wins gets to slap the other person, five times, whenever they want.'

'That sounds kind of violent,' frowns Blaine. Sebastian shrugs.

'Man up, Blaine,' says Sebastian. 'They're only slaps. I won't knock out any of Snow White's teeth. He can take it.'

Kurt is surprised to pick up on the buried compliment. He pretends like he's considering Sebastian's proposal.

'What are the rules?' he asks.

'Five slaps,' elaborates Sebastian, smirking, 'in the face. You can't complain about them. I don't want people crying violence again women-'

'Bitch,' Kurt mutters under his breath.

'- or something when you start whining. And Blaine can be in charge of the making up more rules, if we need them. Make sure we play fair and all that. What do you think?

'No way,' says Blaine, just as Kurt answers with 'I'm in.'

'It's a bonding exercise,' grins Sebastian, shoving Blaine's chair with his foot, 'don't you want us to be friends?'

'Seriously, it's fine,' confirms Kurt. Blaine looks unhappy, but doesn't protest further. Kurt levels Sebastian with a serious look.

'The bet is the first one to get that guy's phone number, right? No matter what, the first person to have his phone number.'

'That's right,' nods Sebastian. 'And I get five minutes with him first.'

'It's a deal,' nods Kurt. 'You can start on three. 1, 2 -'

Sebastian starts to get up, looking confident. Kurt grins.

'3. And I win.'

'What?' blinks Sebastian, freezing. Kurt pulls out his phone and puts it on the table.

'I said,' he says slowly, as though Sebastian is stupid, '_I win_. His name is Chandler and his number is right here.'

'What?' gasps Blaine.

'Bullshit,' snaps Sebastian, but he sits back down. 'Fucking bullshit. That's cheating.'

'Your rules, not mine. Want me to call him?' smiles Kurt innocently. Sebastian jaw tightens and Blaine looks like he doesn't know whether to be upset or impressed. Kurt makes a show of lounging back in his chair and picking up his coffee.

'Well,' Kurt says with a smug grin, 'I guess I need to start practising my slapping technique.'

(&)

**Slap One.**

It is a week since they made the bet. The first wave of satisfaction at beating Sebastian as his own egotistical game has faded, leaving Kurt to seriously consider the possibility of slapping Sebastian in the face whenever he likes. He thought briefly about being the bigger person and not cashing in on his free slaps. It was only a quick thought, because it was Sebastian's idea in the first place and he was clearly more than okay with the idea of slapping Kurt. Plus, Kurt can't pretend he doesn't want to. He _really_ wants to.

Once Kurt decides he is going through with the bet, he also begins to assess the practicality of the situation. He doesn't know how long this weird almost-friendship with Sebastian will last. He may have very limited time to get his slaps in.

Now they are at Scandals on a Friday night, dancing, and Blaine is trying to get his attention.

'Why do you keep looking at Sebastian?' Blaine calls into his ear, wrapping an arm around Kurt's waist.

'Don't worry about it,' replies Kurt and he ducks his head down to kiss Blaine's shoulder. However, he raises his eyes and continues watch more covertly as Sebastian is hit on some guy at the bar. The older man is obviously interested; he has a hand resting on Sebastian's bicep. Sebastian is laughing at everything he says. Kurt internally scoffs at how blatant they are. He can't understand the appeal of talking to someone where the only agenda is sex.

'Hey, want to get out of here,' asks Blaine, squeezing Kurt's waist gently. 'We can get some food on the way home.'

'Sounds good,' smiles Kurt and his eyes flick over to where the man is now whispering something in Sebastian's ear. Kurt makes a decision. 'But give me a minute.'

He pulls away from Blaine, giving his hip a pat as he walks away. He strides towards the bar, sliding though groups of people, stealing his face into a furious expression. It isn't hard to conjure when Sebastian is in his eye line.

'Sebastian,' he snaps, pushing himself in-between the Warbler and his admirer. 'I can't believe you.'

'What the fuck?' blinks Sebastian, too surprised to be angry. Kurt shoots him a cheeky smile, out of sight of the other man, before he raises his hand and slaps Sebastian across the face as hard as he can. Sebastian gasps and presses a hand to his cheek, half bent over the bar by the force of Kurt's blow. Kurt's hand throbs.

'You gave me Chlamydia, you bastard,' cries Kurt dramatically, then adds more quietly, 'and that's one.'

He turns and walks away without glancing back, although he listens and grins when he hears the Scandals random asking Sebastian if he's okay. Kurt reaches Blaine, who has been standing by the door with wide eyes, and slides an arm around him.

'That was amazing,' he says happily, 'let's go eat.'

(&)

**Slap Two.**

'He's really short,' offers Sebastian, looking down at where Kurt is lying on the floor of his dorm room. Kurt can't stop crying. He really wants to stop, but every time he thinks he has it under control, he remembers the fact that Blaine dumped him and it starts again. Mercifully, Sebastian hasn't made fun of him. He isn't exactly helping – the 'he's short' comment being the most comforting thing he's managed – but he also hasn't mocked Kurt once.

They're sitting in the Dalton dorms, Kurt spread out on the floor and Sebastian resting with his back against the bed, legs stretched out in front of him. Kurt refuses to lie on Sebastian's bed. He may be miserable, but he has limits.

'What exactly did the hobbit say… did he decide that he only dates his own kind?'

Kurt chuckles wetly; oddly comforted by the fact the Sebastian is a petty jerk no matter what the situation is.

'Distance, growing out of each other, mature discussion. You know, all those very s-sensible reasons.'

That makes Kurt start crying again, angry tears he doesn't want. He presses his palms hard into his eyelids and bites down on his lip. He tries to stop the shudders in his chest.

'Would this be a bad time for me to ask for your permission to hook up with Blaine? I'm sure he's in need of a willing rebound and it's been a while,' questions Sebastian. Kurt freezes and then sits up sharply. He doesn't hesitate to slap Sebastian across the face, his wet damp palm making a loud noise as it connects with Sebastian's skin.

'You utter _dick_,' Kurt half-sobs, 'and that's two.'

Sebastian hisses in pain, gingerly touching his already reddening cheek. Kurt feels momentarily bad until he remembers what Sebastian said.

'How could you say that?' he mumbles, wiping his eyes. It has been so long since Sebastian said things like that about Blaine. Kurt wasn't prepared for it at all. He and Sebastian are friends now. At least, he thought they were…

'I thought slapping me might make you feel better,' shrugs Sebastian. 'Do you feel better?'

'Kind of,' admits Kurt and he laughs a little, dropping his head so that's it's resting against Sebastian's shoulder. 'Who knew violence was therapeutic.'

'Kickboxers everywhere,' says Sebastian as he slings an arm around Kurt's shoulders. 'It was that or a rough fuck on the floor. I went with the slap.'

'And I appreciate that,' breathes Kurt, closing his red rimmed eyes. It's the first time in hours he can speak without fighting back tears.

(&)

**Almost Slap Three.**

The third time they have sex is in Kurt's apartment. It's tiny and cold. Winter in New York is long and cold.

'Oh fuck, that was so good,' breathes Sebastian, wiping a hand covered with come on Kurt's stomach. Kurt is too stated to complain, he just turns and presses his face into the pillows. He takes some deep breaths, wriggling one of his legs that has gone stiff. His post-orgasmic glow is ruined when Sebastian moves off him and the cold air hits his chest.

'Cm'back,' he grumbles, reaching out and trying to grab Sebastian's hips. Sebastian slides away from Kurt and flops onto the mattress next to him. He lets out a little groan, clearly also slightly sore.

'Go turn the heater on,' mutters Sebastian, closing his eyes. In the dim light, Kurt can already making out goose bumps appearing along Sebastian's bare back. Kurt kicks the blanket up towards him and pulls it over his naked body. Sebastian whines, moving one hand to try and tug some of the doona over onto him. Kurt holds onto it tight.

'You turn it on,' says Kurt, the coldness of the room sweeping over his skin even under the covers. The sweat on his body is cooling down.

'It's your apartment,' scowls Sebastian, now moving to cuddle against the blanket.

'You're colder,' replies Kurt, curling his body tight. He can see that Sebastian is already shivering slightly.

'I hate you,' sighs Sebastian, but he pulls himself up and climbs over Kurt's blanketed form. Kurt frees an arm and slaps Sebastian on the ass as he gets off the bed. Sebastian jumps a little.

'Ouch. And was that three?'

'No way,' smiles Kurt, wriggling deeper into the bed as he watches Sebastian walk over the heater and switch it on. 'Only in the face, remember?'

'I think the ass counts,' replies Sebastian, hurrying back towards the bed to avoid the cold floor. He quickly tugs at the covers and Kurt lets him in this time, easily shifting over so that Sebastian can slide in next to him. The two of them pressed together is instantly warmer.

'Hm, maybe we should ring Blaine and ask him for clarification?' whispers Sebastian teasingly against Kurt's neck.

'Or not,' replies Kurt, pulling Sebastian closer and closing his eyes.

(&)

**Slap Three.**

It is the shortest Thanksgiving visit to Lima that Kurt has ever made. He flies in on Tuesday night and is going back Thursday afternoon. Work is just overwhelming and no holiday can get in the way of it. Wednesday afternoon is a surprise baby shower for Rachel that he is obligated to attend. Kurt will be on a flight back to New York straight after eating on Thursday.

Sebastian - in a misguided, but well-meaning attempt at romance – turns up on Kurt's front door Wednesday morning as a surprise, overnight back in hand. Kurt opens the door and stares at him, still wearing his pyjamas.

'I thought you had to work,' says Kurt in way of greeting.

'I missed you and stormed out,' says Sebastian jokingly.

'I'm going back tomorrow,' points out Kurt, stifling a yawn against his wrist. 'You're getting weirdly co-dependant.'

'Whatever. You got coffee in there?'

Sebastian steps forward and Kurt wraps him in a quick hug, pressing a kiss to cheek. Sebastian drops his bag in the hallway and keeps an arm loosely around Kurt's waist as they walk into the kitchen. Burt stands up when he sees them.

'Didn't know you were coming today,' he says, offering Sebastian a hand.

Sebastian shakes it with a smile and shrug.

'Impulsive last minute plan, you know how it is.'

'Sure,' chuckles Burt, shaking his head. He's always been a bit miffed by Sebastian, but takes it all in his stride with a smile. Kurt places a cup of coffee in Sebastian hands.

'You drink while I get dressed. We need to be up a cake from the mall. Rachel's party is at three.'

'Alright,' says Sebastian, taking a sip of the coffee and then lowering himself into the seat next to Burt. Kurt indulges himself with a moment to just look at the pair of them sitting at the table together, then he turns and strides up the stairs.

Half and hour later, he and Sebastian are bickering over scarves in the hallway.

'I am not wearing a lilac scarf, Kurt. I am still a man. I can show you my dick if you've forgotten,' says Sebastian, looking at the offensive item with a grimace.

'It matches your shirt,' sighs Kurt, checking his hair in mirror. He wraps his own scarf around his neck. 'And please keep your genitals inside your pants, so we can at least pretend you still have some dignity.'

They step outside, only to be met by Rachel and Finn in the driveway. Rachel squeals and throws her arms around Kurt, as they haven't seen each other in nearly two months. Sebastian and Finn share a casual bro-hug and then turn to watch Rachel telling Kurt about the amazing house she and Finn looked at last week.

'Rach, we should probably lets these guys go, it's cold out here. We'll see them tomorrow.'

'Won't we see you-' begins Sebastian with a frown.

In the half a second after Sebastian opens his mouth, Kurt's mind runs through a hurried chain of thoughts. The first is _Seb, what the hell are you doing?_ which is instantly followed by _Oh God, he's going to ruin everything_ and then _did I tell him it was a surprise? Surely I did, I must have told him _and finally _I didn't tell him, he doesn't know it's a surprise party, oh god, I need to shut him up_.

Kurt swivels around and slaps Sebastian mid-sentence. Sebastian stops talking, yelping and turning away. Finn and Rachel stare at Kurt with wide eyes.

'Kurt?' asks Finn, sounding a little scared.

'He stole my shampoo this morning,' shrugs Kurt, trying not to blush. Sebastian is looking a little put out, but nods.

'Yeah, my fault. I should know better.'

'Right…' says Rachel, glancing between strangely. She and Finn back away, moving past them and up to the door of the house. Kurt steps forward and winces a little at the red hand mark obvious on Sebastian's face.

'That's three. Sorry. I forgot to tell you it's a surprise party.'

'Oh,' says Sebastian, rubbing his cheek, 'okay, that makes sense now.'

'They think we're crazy,' comments Kurt as they walk towards the car.

'People have thought worse,' shrugs Sebastian.

(&)

**Almost Slap Four.**

Kurt is tempted to slap Sebastian when he is packing a bag and say he's going to stay in a hotel for a few days. Their fight has gotten completely out of control. Kurt is too angry to cry, he's shaking, and Sebastian already has locked himself in the bathroom once to in a desperate attempt to calm himself down. Now there is a half-full bag sitting on the bed and Sebastian is dropping socks into it. Kurt is pacing in the hall. That's when he thinks about just going in there and slapping Sebastian.

He decides that hitting his boyfriend in anger is probably unacceptable. Sebastian appears at the door, bag in hand. Kurt stops walking and drags his hands through his hair.

'Don't leave,' he says, voice uneven. 'Stay and yell, or just sit in the bathroom, or get drunk. But don't leave. Please.'

Sebastian sighs angrily. He puts down the bag.

(&)

**Slap Four.**

'Hang on, hang on, you guys have a _what_?'

The whole table is looking at them and Kurt stares down at the glass of wine in his hand to avoid their gazes. Next to him, Sebastian laughs – that loud laugh he only gets when he's really drunk – and repeats himself.

'A slap bet. We made it back in high school, Kurt gets to slap me five times. He's only got two left.'

'Kinky,' snorts Alyssa to their left, leaning forward. 'Were those first three used in the bedroom?'

'No,' scoffs Kurt, laughing when she wiggles her eyebrows at him. 'And they were all completely justified. You all know how annoying Seb is.'

'You love it,' crones Sebastian, winking at Kurt. Kurt pokes his tongue out in reply.

'He is possibly the most irritating person I know, yes,' agrees Rod from the couch, raising his head to join in the conversation. 'I can't believe you have two left. I'd have used them all up in one afternoon.'

'Like that time in college when you punched me?' responds Sebastian pointedly.

'What wasn't a punch, you dick, it was an accident. You never let me forget it.'

'What part of you swinging your giant oaf hands at my face isn't a punch? We have a dictionary in the bedroom if you need to look up the definition of-'

'Boys,' interrupts Mia, throwing a balled up napkin at Sebastian. Sebastian throws it straight back. 'Keep it in your pants.'

'At least until later,' smirks Sebastian, glancing at Kurt. Kurt shakes his head and mouths 'hell no'.

'What you're saying,' continues Greg, the last member of the group, 'is that you can slap Sebastian whenever you like and he doesn't know it's coming, and he can't complain about.'

'Basically.'

'Gee, Seb, I can't believe you let that hang over your head. I'd be a wreck.'

'There's not much I can do about it,' says Sebastian, reaching for the wine bottle. He refills his glass. 'Kurt has been uncharacteristically economical with them.'

'Is that a crack about my clothes budget?'

'Yes.'

'Fuck you.'

Kurt swearing is a definite sign that he is really drunk too. Sebastian laughs again. Their friends aren't finished yet.

'Come on, I'm sure you could get Kurt to slap you if you really tried. You do have legendary powers at being a total cunt,' points out Greg.

'It's true,' nods Alyssa.

'Is that a challenge?' asks Sebastian, a grin spreading across his face. Kurt groans.

'No. No, no, no. I'm not wasting a slap on nothing. Don't you dare.'

'Do it, Sebastian, show us your skills,' laughs Rob. Sebastian smirks and turns towards Kurt, taking a deep gulp of wine.

'Sebastian, don't-' Kurt begins.

'I killed your African Violent on purpose because I hated it.'

Kurt scowls and crosses his arms over his chest. Then he decides if they're doing this, he might as well play along.

'Whatever. Is that the best you've got, Smythe?'

Sebastian narrows his eyes and pulls the edge of Kurt's chair back, moving it back to that they're facing each other.

'That new haircut makes you look like a lesbian.'

'You've said that before.'

'You sound like a dying cat when I give you head.'

Their friends make scandalised noises, Mia even says '_Sebastian!_' in horror. Rod sits up so he can watch the proceedings.

'Whatever, you sound like a drunk whore when you're sucking dick, so we're even,' fires back Kurt, raising an eyebrow. Sebastian is enjoying this way too much, leaning in towards Kurt, eyes sparkling with amusement and inebriation.

'Sometimes I have sex dreams about Blaine.'

'That makes two of us.'

'Sometimes I think about Blaine when I'm fucking you.'

'At least I know what it's like to actually fuck Blaine.'

Alyssa giggles into her hands. Sebastian grimaces.

'You're losing your hair.'

'You're getting fat.'

Rod lets out a hoot of laughter and calls at Sebastian 'he has a point, bro'.

Sebastian pauses, studying Kurt's face, expression calculating. He licks his lips and smiles. He puts a hand on Kurt's knee.

'I've always thought you were hot and then I met your dad. I see where you get it. Something about those big strong arms, that stubbly chin. So sexy. I actually think about sneaking into his room when we visit, slipping under the covers and reaching for-'

Kurt slaps him, face pinched with disgust. Sebastian recovers from the blow with a triumphant laugh.

'That's four and you're revolting,' grumbles Kurt. The others are laughing too, congratulating Sebastian. Kurt steals Sebastian's wine glass, glaring at him.

(&)

**Slap Five.**

The bright lights of the hospital make Sebastian look more tired than he is. He's standing in front of Kurt, cafeteria coffee in one hand and a glazed donut in the other. Kurt has never seen Sebastian even glance at a donut before.

'Are you having some sort of breakdown?' asks Kurt, stretching out in the uncomfortable chair. 'Because if you are, please get it out of the way now.'

'I think I might be. And thanks so much for the sympathy.' Sebastian takes an agitated bite of the donut and then lets out a surprised moan, 'Fk'me, this's 'mazing.'

Kurt laughs wearily, watching Sebastian devour the rest of the donut like he hasn't eaten in a week.

'You done now? Can we get back to waiting for our son?'

'Our son,' repeats Sebastian, sitting down in the seat next to Kurt. 'Our son. Christ. Who decided I should be allowed to have a child?'

'That would be us, together, back before you became a giant pile of insecurities and self-pity.'

'Shut up,' groans Sebastian, sighing. 'I'm serious. I'll be a terrible father and he'll hate me and get a smack addiction or something. Fuck, what if he gets a girl pregnant when he's fourteen? What would we do then?'

'Stop being insane, Seb.'

'It's not insane to worry about my distinct lack of parenting skills.'

'Sebastian,' says Kurt, laying a hand of Sebastian knee, 'I do understand your concerns and I want you to listen to me very carefully. Are you listening?'

Sebastian nods and turns to look at Kurt, eyebrows furrowed with worry. Kurt pauses, gives him a little smile, and then slaps him hard in the face. Sebastian only just manages to not spill his coffee.

'And that's five. Get a grip on yourself, okay?' says Kurt with a thin smile. Sebastian breaks out into a startled laugh and swoops forward to kiss Kurt.

'Thank you,' he mumbles, smiling against Kurt's lips.

'Thank you?' questions Kurt, closing his eyes and resting his palm flat on Sebastian's chest.

'For the slap. It's so nice to not have the threat of violence hanging over my head.'

Kurt chuckles and moves in for another kiss, relaxing a little against Sebastian's body.

'You're welcome. I'd suggest you make more sensible bets in future.'

Sebastian pulls back enough so that their eyes meet. His mouth quirks up in a playful smile.

'Trust me, I've learnt my lesson. I'm only betting money and priceless family heirlooms from now on.'


End file.
